Sunday, September 18, 2005

How can I get this place on al-Qaeda's target list?


In case you don't recognize it, this is the home of a most pernicious evil. An evil sprung from the sewage-smeared loins of Socialism, gestated in the withered womb of Ignorance, and birthed by an ever-grasping Government with a torrent of fetid afterbirth which continues to wash over the land in reeking waves of green slime. All hail the great Federal Reserve!

Now, most people find the Federal Reserve about as exciting as watching their freezer defrost, and about as evil as bowl of cottage cheese. That is, of course, all part of the Fed's evil plans. Thankfully, I am not most people. My journey from run-of-the-mill innocent boob to raging Fed-Hater Extraordinaire was decades long, and I will not recount it here. I can, however, point to the place where it started. It was on the front porch of 449 6th Street, in Struthers, Ohio. It was there that I asked a friend what I thought was a simple question: "What is a dollar?" Much discussion ensued, but no satisfactory answer was found. Seemed pretty strange to a couple of 16-year-old A students. I wish I could say that my curiosity was so aroused that I immediately went out on a tireless search for the answer, but at 16 I had far more pressing concerns than monetary theory...believe me! The important thing is that I know the answer now.

No, I'm not going to tell you the answer... that is not my purpose in writing this little gem. My purpose is to rage, rage, against the dying of my purchasing power. Go, reader, and find out for yourself what a Dollar is. You will be the better for it. From here forward however, I will use the word "dollar" and "$" in their common understanding as the little greenish bits of paper in your wallet.

I hate the Fed because they stole the money my Grandpa gave me. And then they gave it to the Government. So I also hate the Government, and I don't give a hoot if Bill Clinton thinks it's not patriotic. He took my money too, and if I ever meet up with him, I'll slap that grey right outta his hair.

I can prove the Fed stole my money. When I was born in 1971, Grandpa gave me a $100 bill. I, being too short to reach the teller window at the local bank, put it in my piggy bank. No big deal... right?

Wrong!

In 1971, I could have traded my Benjamin for 2.86 ounces of gold. Why gold? Cuz it's purdy! Gold at the time was "fixed" at $35 per ounce. I'll not get into why it was $35, and how it was $20 before that commie cripple bastard FDR stole everyone's gold in 1933, because then I'll have to go into how I hope FDR's skin is boiled off each day in the searing flames of Hell, and you'll get the idea that I'm not the jovial bloke everyone thinks I am... and that just won't do at all. So, gold was $35 per ounce in 1971.

Fast forward 34 years to our blissful present. Gold is currently trading pennies shy of $460 per ounce! Now my $100 only gets me a paltry 0.22 ounces of gold. Boy do I feel like a dope. "Save for a rainy day," my Grandpa told me. Well, he meant well anyway. In 1971, that 0.22 ounces would have cost me $7.61! What happened to my other $92.39?!?! The Fed took it.

How do I know? Well, the funny thing about gold is that it's very durable. Remember the nugget that Ugg found next to the wooly mammoth poop in 43,000 BC? Good. Now, see that hot babe at the end of the bar? Yep...the one with the navel ring. Well, part of Ugg's nugget is in her navel ring. She always goes for those caveman types! Anyway, the vast majority of gold we've ever dug out of the bowels of Mother Earth is still around, and there is an awful lot of it around. We mine tons of gold every year, but that amount is small compared with what we've already mined over the millennia. This means the quantity of gold is quite stable especially when compared to other commodities... especially commodities like little greenish bits of paper! (Gold has a high stocks-to-flows ratio for all you smarty pantses who wanna impress your friends.)

The reason the price of gold is up 1,314% over 34 years is not that there is less gold than there was in 1971, but that there are so, so, terrifyingly many more dollars! And I know exactly who to blame for there being more dollars. The boneheads print their name right there on the things! Right up top... like they're PROUD of this bullshit!!! That's why I'd like to see them taken down a few pegs. All the pegs. Steal from me and then brag!?! Well you just wait. What goes around...

The way I see it, the Fed owes me either $1,214.40 or 2.64 ounces of gold. And I'd rather have the gold if it's all the same to you... it's sure not the same to me and Grandpa.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Fire Every Member of this Administration (and don't replace them)


And not just FEMA. Every single member to a man. Homeland (in)Security, Department of (in)Justice, Bureau of Land (mis)Management, Social(ist) Security Administration, Internal Robbery Service...every single despicable, bungling, lying, thieving, murdering, heartless, avaricious, egomaniacal, felon from the President on down to the janitor cleaning toilets at the Indian Arts and Crafts Board. Every single federal agency, without exception, is a waste of time, money, and talent. Government always produces a negative return on invested (stolen) capital for its customers (victims).

As I am writing this, news has just come out that FEMA director Michael Brown is being removed from his duties of overseeing the management of the Katrina disaster, and an Admiral from the Coast Guard is replacing him. Brown's not being fired...he's going back to Washington. He's probably going to get a medal pinned on him! You can't lead a recovery effort...but you can lead the leader of the recovery effort? This dopey agency still has 1600 refugees living in trailers from last year's hurricane Charlie! How this agency expects to retain ANY credibility is beyond comprehension. If I am ever unfortunate enough to see a FEMA jacket approaching me, I'll be running away as fast and as far as I can. I'll count on the tooth-fairy to save me before I count on these dolts to do anything but save their own cowardly asses. And I want all those tax dollars back...yesterday, you vile extortioners!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Vladimir Illych Levin


I thought my day was going to end without having my meter pegged again, but alas, ol' Carl here appeared on my television. Ron Insana of CNBC's Street Signs interviewed Senator Levin (D-MI), who called for the President to enact price caps on gasoline in the wake of the Katrina disaster. I nearly crushed my remote as my fist clenched in rage at this horrific display of naked economic ignorance. Carl's words incensed me personally because I have placed portions of my hard-won capital into several oil-sector investments. The thought of the DC Bozo Squad messing with my markets any more than they already do sent me into orbit. I stewed for hours after hearing this detritus, and I was prepared to unleash upon Levin a torrent of the most vitriolic invective I could manage. But I won't. Nor will I bore myself with a rant on the evil and ineffectiveness of price controls. I found something better to think and write about.

As I was going about the rest of my day, I wondered what would possess the Senator to go on CNBC, of all channels, and propose something he must know would be a failure. Once I'd framed the question to myself in that way, the answer became clear.

Pandering, plain and simple.

Carl knows that no matter what happens with gas prices, he gets credit with his voters for "doing something." Since gas prices are already easing, he'll be able to say "See...I scared those Evil Oil People!" He also knows that the Bush cabal will never mess with gas prices in any serious way, so he gets to claim credit for standing up to the Republicans. Finally, if, by some terrific misfortune, price controls actually got imposed, he'd get credit there too! When the inevitable dislocations occurred, a man of his agility would surely be able to shift blame from himself.

So after starting out hopping mad at this vote-whore, I actually ended up admiring him a little...like one might admire the Ebola virus for being a brutally efficient killer.

Hurricane Ray About to Strike New Orleans


It sure didn't take long for New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin to reveal the blackness in his larcenous heart. Let me explain why I'm hurling a steaming handful of my TacoBell induced feces at this currently heroic figure. In an interview played this morning on CNBC, Ray warned that New Orleans was about to be dealing with "economic predators" who would be looking to make millions of dollars in contracts to rebuild the city. I hope all the libertarians who have been lionizing this joker will think long and hard before putting another government official on a pedestal the next time disaster strikes.

What does this creep expect? Are we supposed to send billions of dollars worth of building materials, labor, engineering, food, energy, etc., and rebuild a city for free? Sure, Ray, I don't need to eat or pay bills or save for retirement. Neither do any of the millions of people who will be involved in the rebuilding of New Orleans. We'll be counting on you to work for free too Ray! We'll all just eat Socialism. Mmmm....delicious!

The people who wish to return to New Orleans and rebuild would be well advised to make this tinpot Stalin the first piece of trash they sweep away.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Robertson Whacks Rehnquist!


I guess Robertson's vengeful gOD means business! Any politician worth his stolen salt know how to use the "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc" fallacy to his advantage. I, as a person who values sound reasoning, can only engage in such faulty argumentation as a joke. Now Pat is an "Old Reliable" when it comes to pegging my outrage meter... but his Holiness shall not be the focus of this missive. Nay, that honor will be bestowed on the object of Pat's errant death-prayer... Billy Boy Rehnquist.

My first thought on hearing of the death of the esteemed jurist was simply "Good." Why, when I've never met the man, and don't have any real personal animus towards him? Because of his position. Had he been out of office when he shuffled off this mortal coil, I might have barely noted his passing. Retired politicians can do much less damage, since they lose the weapon of State coercion when they leave office...ostensibly anyway.

As I look around this so-called nation, I see a vast criminal gang growing in viciousness day by miserable day. This gang calls itself the Federal Government. Its many edicts multiply like E. coli in poop. This gang claims an ever-expanding purview over my life, and I am displeased to say the least. See, I was told in school that we have a system of "checks and balances" that would keep me safe from government overreach. "The Constitution guarantees your individual rights," they told me. And I, like a buyer of Arizona beachfront, believed them! Imagine... an 18th century piece of paper restraining flesh and blood humans with guns! I'm embarrassed to say that I believed in such a fairytale far longer than any thinking man should have.

So why am I glad there's a Rehnquist-shaped hole at the top of SCOTUS? For 2 reasons:

First, because I can root for the fight to fill the gap to be so rancorous that the gang will paralyze itself with the internecine bickering, backstabbing, and bitchwhipping that our two Imperial factions have become so famous for of late. It's probably unlikely in this particular vacancy, but more likely in the fight for the O'Connor vacuum.

Second, because I believe the SCOTUS is impotent in the rights-preservation department, I think it's better that we don't even have the illusion of an effective guardian. Maybe a few more people will conclude that relying on nine black-robed dipshits to keep the gang at bay is an idea whose time has gone.

So, Bill, enjoy your richly deserved oblivion... my freedoms hardly knew ye.